Reaching Out May Not Help Your Friend in Crisis and That’s Not Your Fault

“Check in” is the advice — but it’s bigger than that

CN: This is an article about suicide. Do what’s best for you.

In the wake of the suicides of Anthony Bourdain and Kate Spade, a lot of people took steps that they thought were helpful. They posted the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1–800–273–8255) and encouraged people who felt lonely or sad or hopeless to reach out.

Ask for help, I’m here. Here’s my number, call any time.

Within a few days, though, the people who shared the hotline were being chided—simply posting the hotline isn’t good enough, some critics posited. You need to do the work. You need to check in. Telling depressed people to do the work to reach out is unrealistic, and why are we so compelled to give resources for how other people can act, rather than examining our own expectations?

These sentiments weren’t incorrect—it is true that asking for help when you’re down is like threading a needle while…